I am sooo lost. I don't know where my future is...

All these days staying in mom's lab, I know that if this is going to be my future job, then my life will just be super miserable. I hate it! But a little voice in my heart is telling me that: this is going to be your future. You have No choice!

I was watching this Chinese reality show "Happy Boys", a singing competition, and even thinking about it and feeling lost most of the time if I don't hear the songs they sing. They are a bunch of boys who are good at singing and enduring all these pressures just to reach their goal: to be the champion, to testify that they are the best singer in the whole country. During the meantime, though, they have to go through countless headship. However, it is their choice; it is going to be what they love, what they would pay anything to endure.

They are fighting for their dreams, the dream they chooce to fight for, even the tears sometimes are there. They are getting closer and closer to their final destination, now flying with a speed of light. Fighting! What a word. I want to fight for something too. I really really really fight for something, something that I chooce to be my future. I envy these happy boys; what's more, I am jealous.

But I can not. My life is like in a cage, and everything is controlled, is formatted. I have no control over anything. I have no freedom whatsoever! I cannot do what I want, what I just discover to be what I really really really want to fight for -- a veterinarian. Yes, I don't even know how to spell this word yet, but I know that I will have a passion for it. My mom Wants me to be a neuro scientist just like her, not even wanting me to try for a different job, like business.

She told me: " I want you, this girl, to be a neuro scientist, a job that is so suitable for girls, quite and pure. If you learn molecular biology and all these experiments, your future will be bright. " Basically, she picks my future for me. How pathetic. She doesn't even know me, doesn't know that's something I hate so much. She is just so stubbornly believing that without neuro science, I will be cursed. I have been to her lab with her for almost two weeks now. God knows how I want to die staying in her lab and doing all the tedious holy shit. I need a break.

THis morning, I told her that I need to go to the library and borrow some books. She again picks my choice: "No, you go this afternoon or tomorrow. I will go with you." Oh gosh, for what! Am I a poisoner or what??!? Are you necessary to go everywhere with me? I am so confused. Can I have a break mom? She keeps scarying me how dirty business is, and "points out": "if you don't want to do anything, just go marrying some rich millionarie." Well, this is not what I mean, mom. I don't want to marry any damn rich people. I just want to be myself, chooce a job that I have a passion for. Is that too much to ask??????

She then criticized me that why I looked her with a angry face and talked to her with a angry tone. All she did was aiming to make my future bright, and she is very concerned of it. We didn't talk the whole time in the car from house to parking space. When we arrived then, she threw my lunch box at me and said: "Go to your library. If you are not happy about it, don't come back." I then grabbed my stuff and turned, heading to the library. I am not afraid of you. I have my choice. I am over 21. I need a break. I can't breath. I hate this job of hers. and I don't want this to be my future. No, thank you!

So What is going to be my future then? I am studying bio-engineering currently, which means my passion for music and animals will just go wasted?!?! Ok, I am going to library right now. (I have no place to go so I have to stay in the computer lab. But after I go to library, I will go home. Lab, go to hell.)